If You Give An Elf A Cookie
by Writer From Rivendell
Summary: What happens when you give an elf a cookie? Pure silliness, that's what! Loosely based on the children's book, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, it documents what might happen if you give an elf a cookie.
1. If You Give An Elf A Cookie

If You Give An Elf a Cookie  
  
Disclaimer - Well, obviously, I don't own the elf. All I own is a cookie. *Offers it to the readers* See?   
  
A/N - Partially based on the children's book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. :-)  
  
If you give an elf a cookie, he'll ask for a glass of milk.   
  
If you give an elf a glass of milk, he'll ask for more.   
  
If you give an elf more milk, he'll try to pour it himself, and he'll spill it.   
  
If he spills the milk, he'll ask for a napkin.   
  
If you give an elf a napkin, he'll use it to wipe up the milk, but will end up dribbling milk all over himself, and will ask for a change of clothes.   
  
If you give an elf a change of clothes, they won't fit, and he'll end up in your mother's bathrobe, asking for a bath to get rid of the milk that he dribbled on himself.   
  
If you let an elf take a bath, he'll use too much bubble bath, and will flood the bathroom.   
  
If you let an elf flood the bathroom, he'll feel bad, and will ask to clean it up.   
  
If you let an elf clean up the flood, he'll use all of your clean towels.   
  
If you let an elf use all of your clean towels, he'll think he's wronged you, and will ask to wash them for you.   
  
If you let an elf wash your towels, he'll take them down to the nearest river to scrub them clean, still wearing your mother's bathrobe, and will frighten the neighbors.   
  
If he frightens the neighbors, they will call the police, and he'll be interrogated.   
  
If you let an elf be interrogated by the police, they'll find out that he's an elf, and they'll put him on television.   
  
If you put an elf on television, he'll become famous.   
  
If you let an elf become famous, he'll attract fan girls.   
  
If you let an elf attract fan girls, they'll surround your house day and night, until he begs you to stop them.   
  
If you open your door to stop the fan girls, they'll swarm your house, and will glomp the elf until he asks for them to leave.   
  
If an elf asks his fan girls to leave, his words will fall on deaf ears, so that he has to beg you to keep them from glomping him.  
  
If he asks you to keep his fan girls from glomping him, you'll have to comply, and you will have to use fan-girl-be-gone on your lawn and in your house.   
  
If you use fan-girl-be-gone on your lawn and in your house, the elf will have sneezing fits, and will ask you to open a window.   
  
If you open a window, the fan girls will find a way to come in through it, and you'll have to find a way to get rid of them.   
  
If you have to find a way to get rid of them, your elf will ask if he can please just take the last ship into the west.   
  
If you let an elf take the last ship into the west, they'll ask you to help them build it in your basement.   
  
If you let an elf build the last ship into the west in your basement, they'll ask you to help them get it up the stairs.   
  
If you agree to help them get it up the stairs, you'll have to hire a contractor to widen the stairs.   
  
If you hire a contractor to widen the stairs, you'll have to explain why you want your stairs widened.   
  
If you explain why you want your stairs widened, the contractor will tell the local news station about the elf's ship.  
  
If the contractor tells the local news station about the elf's ship, you and the elf will end up on the evening news.   
  
If you end up on the evening news, donations will pour in to help pay for building and hauling up the stairs the last ship into the west.   
  
If you accept the donations that pour in, you will be able to get your stairs widened and the ship up them and into the harbor with ease, and the elf will ask if you can ask his friend the dwarf to come with him on the ship.   
  
If you ask the dwarf to come on the last ship into the west, he will agree, and the elf will ask you to appeal to the Valar to let his friend the dwarf sail with him.   
  
If you appeal to the Valar, they will ask why the elf didn't do it himself, but will grant passage to any mortal.   
  
If you tell an elf that the Valar will grant passage to any mortal, he will ask you to come with him to make more cookies.   
  
If you agree to come with him to make more cookies, you'll have to buy ingredients to make cookies.   
  
If you have to buy ingredients to make cookies, the elf will ask you to buy milk.   
  
If you buy milk, you will have to buy a refrigerator to put it in.   
  
If you have to buy a refrigerator, the elf will also want you to buy an industrial size oven, so that you can bake even more cookies.   
  
If you buy an industrial size oven, you'll have to have it delivered to the last ship into the west.   
  
If you have it delivered into the last ship into the west, the elf will make you bake cookies the entire journey.   
  
If you bake cookies the entire journey, upon landing in Valinor, the elf will want you to hand out cookies to all their friends and relatives.   
  
If you give cookies to all their friends and relatives, you'll have to give them glasses of milk.   
  
If you give them glasses of milk, they'll ask for more.   
  
If you give them more, they'll try to pour it themselves and will spill it.   
  
If they spill it, they'll clean it up themselves without getting any on their clothes, and will eat cookies and party until Ulmo comes home.   
  
If they party until Ulmo comes home, you'll have secured a post as the official baker of cookies, and will be granted special privileges by the Valar.   
  
If you are granted special privileges by the Valar, you will earn a place of respect among the elves, and will live happily ever after.   
  
To think, all this stemmed from giving an elf a cookie.   
  
FIN. 


	2. If You Give A Dunadan An Eclair

If You Give A Dunadan An Eclair  
  
Disclaimer - Only thing that's mine are the eclairs. Want one?  
  
A/N - Inspired in part by GreyLadyBast, patron goddess of the PPC, who suggested that I do something different from a cookie.   
  
If you give a Dunadan an Eclair, he'll bite into it and get cream filling all over his sword and weaponry, and will ask you for a cloth to clean them.   
  
If you give a Dunadan a cloth to clean his sword, he'll rip the cloth and end up slicing his hand open.   
  
If a Dunadan cuts his hand, you'll have to take him to the emergency room.   
  
If you take a Dunadan to the emergency room, you'll have to fill out the paperwork for him.   
  
If you have to fill out the paperwork for him, you'll have to ask how old he is.   
  
If you ask how old he is, he'll tell you, "Eighty five", and you won't believe him, but you'll put it down anyway.   
  
If you put eighty five down as his age, when he's called back, they'll think that he's cutting in line and they'll ask seventy year old man you sat next to in the waiting room to come back.   
  
If they don't believe you and they ask the seventy year old many you sat next to in the waiting room to come back, the Dunadan will become impatient.   
  
If you let a Dunadan become impatient, he will ask for the medicinal herbs with which to heal himself.   
  
If you give a Dunadan the medicinal herbs that he asks for, his hand will be fixed in a relatively short amount of time.  
  
If the Dunadan's hand is healed in a short amount of time, the doctors will ask what happened to him to make you bring him into the ER in the first place, and you'll have to explain about the medicinal herbs.   
  
If you explain to the doctors what the medicinal herbs did for the Dunadan, they will ask the Dunadan to show them his natural remedies.   
  
If the Dunadan shows the doctors his natural remedies and how quickly they work, they'll take him and you to a research laboratory to test them.   
  
If a Dunadan is taken to a research laboratory to test his ideas, his ideas will be proven effective, and he will be interviewed by all the major news networks before signing a contract with a pharmaceutical company to market his ideas.  
  
If a Dunadan signs a contract with a pharmaceutical company, he will become rich.   
  
If a Dunadan becomes rich, he will attract gold-diggers looking to scheme away his new-found money.   
  
If a Dunadan attracts gold-diggers, he will have a difficult time finding someone to share his life with.   
  
If a Dunadan has trouble finding someone to share his life with, he will ask you for help.   
  
If a Dunadan asks for your help finding someone to share his life with, you will end up playing matchmaker.   
  
If you end up playing matchmaker, you will inadvertently set up him up with an Elven lady.   
  
If you inadvertently set him up with an elven lady, you will realize your mistake too late, and they will fall in love.   
  
If a Dunadan and an elf fall in love, you will be pursued by the elf's father.   
  
If you are pursued by the elf's father, you will have to explain why he should be happy that his daughter is in love with a Dunadan.   
  
If you explain why he should be happy that his daughter is in love with one of the Dunadan, then he will agree that it's probably a good idea that his daughter and the Dunadan get married.  
  
If the elf-lord agrees that it's a good idea that his daughter and the Dunadan get married, the Dunadan will propose.   
  
If the Dunadan proposes, his beloved will say yes.   
  
If his beloved says yes, she will ask you to help plan the wedding.  
  
If she asks you to help plan the wedding, you will have to agree.   
  
If you agree to help, then she will put you in charge of the guest list.   
  
If she puts you in charge of the guest list, you will have to track down a number of hobbits, elves, and even a few dwarves.   
  
If you have to track down a number of hobbits, elves, and dwarves, you will find them, and invite them to the wedding.   
  
If you find them and invite them to the wedding, you will be asked to join the wedding party as one of the people of honor.   
  
If you join the wedding party, you will learn much about elven weddings.   
  
If you learn much about elven weddings, you will be able to write a novel about it.   
  
If you write a novel about it, it will be a best seller, and you will end up rich and famous, well-known for setting up the Dunadan and his lady.   
  
To think, such a thing came from giving a Dunadan an Eclair. 


	3. If You Give A Dwarf A Madeleine

If You Give A Dwarf A Madeleine  
  
A/N--Dedicated in part to Canon Killer Ellie and Fireblade K'Chona, who suggested that I write what happens when you give a dwarf a madeleine. =)   
  
If you give a dwarf a madeleine, he will remark upon how the texture reminds him of cram, or perhaps even of lembas.   
  
If he remarks on how it reminds him of cram, or perhaps even lembas, you will ask him what the two taste like.   
  
If you ask him what the two items taste like, he will be deeply horrified at your lack of knowledge.   
  
If he is deeply horrified at your lack of knowledge, he will ask your permission to bake both goods.   
  
If you give your permission to let him bake both goods, he will ask to use your computer to find recipes.   
  
If you let him use your computer to find recipes, he will run across sites dedicated to the elves.   
  
If he runs across sites dedicated to the elves, he will ask why there are no sites for dwarves.  
  
If you tell him that there are no sites for dwarves because not many like dwarves, he will insist on building a web page for the dwarves.   
  
If he insists on building a web page for the dwarves, he will ask you to find him a free server.   
  
If you find him a free server, he will ask you to help him think of a domain name.   
  
If you help him think of a domain name, he will ask you to help him with the graphics and content for his site.   
  
If you agree to help him with the graphics and content for his site, you will have to teach him HTML.   
  
If you teach him HTML, he will thank you and remark that he will have to teach you the secret language of the dwarves.   
  
If he says that he will teach you the secret language of the dwarves, you will suggest that he make a tutorial for learning it and post it on his web page.   
  
If you suggest that he make a tutorial for the secret language of the dwarves, he will first be offended, then suggest that perhaps ordinary dwarvish would make a better language to teach.   
  
If he suggests that ordinary dwarvish would be a better language to teach, you will agree with him.   
  
If you agree with him, he will ask for your help locating the characters to use in ordinary dwarvish.   
  
If you agree to help him find the characters for ordinary dwarvish, you will find them.   
  
If you find them, he will use them to create a downloadable tutorial for learning dwarvish.   
  
If he creates a downloadable tutorial for learning dwarvish, he will receive many nice comments about his site.   
  
If he receives many nice comments about his site, he will suggest that perhaps you help him locate a Tolkien gathering for him to attend.   
  
If you help him locate a Tolkien gathering for him to attend, he will ask you to come along with him, to show how the language can be learned by anyone with 'net access.   
  
If you go along to show that the language can be learned by anyone with 'net access, he will be able to show his dwarvish tutorial without your help.   
  
If he is able to show his dwarvish tutorial without your help, he will be approached by various linguists interested in his technique.   
  
If he is approached by various linguists interesting in his technique, they will suggest that he write a book on dwarvish.   
  
If they suggest that he write a book on dwarvish, he will think it's a good idea.   
  
If he thinks it's a good idea, he will ask once again for your help.   
  
If he asks once again for your help, you will agree to give it.   
  
If you agree to help him, the two of you will write a witty, thoughtful book that does not so much teach dwarvish as immerse the reader in the language and culture of the dwarves.   
  
If the two of you write a witty, thoughtful book that does not so much teach dwarvish as immerse the reader in the language and culture of the dwarves, it will become a best seller.   
  
If it becomes a best seller, both of you will become very much sought after for your writing.   
  
If both of you become very much sought after for your writing, the two of you will write a memoir of the dwarf's time among the elves.   
  
If the two of you write a memoir of the dwarf's time among the elves, it will become a best seller as well.   
  
If it becomes a best seller as well, you will begin to wonder if perhaps you should not branch out and try your hand at writing your own novel.   
  
If you branch out and try your hand at writing your own novel, it will be hailed by the writing community as an instant success, and you will suddenly find yourself very rich.   
  
If you suddenly find yourself very rich, you will finally have the time to get together with your friend the dwarf to try your hand at making cram and lembas.   
  
If you try your hand at making cram, it will be a disaster, but the lembas will turn out very nicely indeed.   
  
If the lembas turns out very nicely indeed, the dwarf will remark upon how it's nice, but it needs a dash of miruvor to make it perfect.   
  
If the dwarf remarks upon how it needs a dash of miruvor to make it perfect, you will make a face and tell him that he is a perfectionist.   
  
If you make a face and tell him that he is a perfectionist, he will laugh and a cram fight will ensue.   
  
If a cram fight ensues, you will win.   
  
To think, such a thing came from giving a dwarf a madeleine. 


	4. If You Give A Hobbit A Muffin

Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.

A/N--This was written while at work/at school. As a result, I don't find it as funny as the other three. Consider yourself warned.

If you give a hobbit a muffin, it will eat it and thank you politely before asking if you have any ale to wash it down with.

If he asks you if you have any ale to wash it down with, you will be forced to admit that here on earth, there is no way that any store manager in their right mind would sell ale to you, since you are a minor.

If you are forced to admit that there is no way that any store manager in their right mind would sell ale to you, he will ask you for a ride to the store that he might buy his own ale.

If he asks for a ride to the store to buy his own ale, you will gladly give him one, because driving is the one thing you're old enough to do.

If you give him a lift to the store, he will ask you to accompany him inside, because he is not familiar with the way things work in your community.

If you accompany him inside, you will be asked if you are his babysitter.

If you are asked if you are his babysitter, he will be offended, but unable to provide any proof that you are not.

If he is offended but unable to provide proof, upon walking to the cash register, to pay for the ale, the clerk will ask you instead of he for I.D.

If the clerk asks you for ID, you will have to explain that you were merely the ride, not the one interested in purchasing the ale.

If you explain that you were the ride, they will ask the hobbit for ID.

If they ask the hobbit for ID, to prove that he is of drinking age, he will be unable to provide them with photo ID, because being a hobbit he has none.

If he is unable to provide them with photo ID, they will inform him that he is not allowed to purchase his ale.

If they inform him that he is not allowed to purchase his ale, he will be considerably upset, and will ask to speak to their supervisor.

If he asks to speak to their supervisor, he will be laughed at and tossed out of the store minus the ale.

If he is laughed at and tossed out of the store, he will ask you to drive him home, where he will immediately compose a letter to the president of the company that runs the store.

If he immediately composes a letter to the company that runs the store, he will ask you to post it.

If he asks you to post it, you will comply, and send it off for him.

If you send it off for him, the reply will come back in your name.

If the reply comes back in your name, it will ask you, not the hobbit, to talk to the president of the company that runs the store.

If it asks you to talk to the president of the company that runs the store, you and the hobbit will end up taking a road trip to speak to the president.

If you end up taking a road trip, you will (eventually) arrive at the company headquarters, no matter how disheleved, and be shown inside, to the president's office.

If you are shown inside, to the president's office, the mess concerning your identity versus that of the hobbit will be cleared up.

If the mess concerning your identity versus that of the hobbit is cleared up, the president will realise that he has a living, breathing hobbit in his office, very upset with him.

If the president realises that he has a living, breathing hobbit in his office, very upset with him, he will do all that he can to appease the hobbit.

If he does all that he can to appease the hobbit, he will end up telling the hobbit that he would like to use him in advertisements to support the store.

If the hobbit is asked to be used in advertisements to support the store, he will bargain with the president of the company until an agreement is reached--namely, that he gets a ten percent discount in addition to pay earned on the commercials.

If an agreement is reached, the president of the company will want to begin filming right away.

If the president of the company wants to start filming right away, the commercials will air soon, and the hobbit will be discovered.

If the hobbit is discovered, he will be asked to star in an up-coming film.

If he is asked to star in an upcoming film, he will readily agree.

If he readily agrees, he will be relocated to the area where the filming is being done--namely, LA.

If the hobbit is relocated to where the filming is being done--namely, LA, he will ask you to come with him, to manage his affairs.

If he asks you to come with him, to manage his affairs, you will agree and end up in charge of just about everything that he does.

If you agree and end up in charge of just about everything that he does, you will become responsible for personal relations, too.

If you become responsible for PR, when the hobbit becomes famous, so will you.

If you become famous, you will end up being hired by numerous stars, not just the hobbit, finally making it big, able to retire at age twenty five.

If you are able to retire at age twenty five, you will have a lot more free time to dedicate to, say--perfecting your muffin recipes.

If you have a lot more free time to dedicate to perfecting your muffin recipes, they will eventually end up published, bringing you even more wealth and fame.

To think, all of this stemmed from giving a hobbit a muffin.

Any suggestions for the next one would be greatly appreciated. ;


End file.
